So what I did, I opened my Starbucks journals I have not opened for ages that I had filled w/ nonsense-and-semi-sensible
I read my journal entry and it was funny but heart-breaking at the same time. Hmm... It read:
" I couldn't eat, my gosh! I didn't go to our training. I thought I'll be brought to the hospital again. Good thing I realized it was so stupid to end my life just bcoz of this."
At first I gave a forced laugh. Though I know completely that there was nothing funny about it. For I know what exactly it meant. That, was probably one of the most difficult times in my life. For on that day, I had discovered a secret. Secret was it really? For me it was, but a lot of people already know. Except for me, I guess. It's bad enough that I was cheated at. But more so, I felt betrayed by everyone.
But this was an old issue, so old it did not have he same effect on me. (Good thing)
And then I thought "Why do memories such as these had to revisit our now peaceful existence?" The very scenario that I was trying to forget was sort of being shoved onto my face. All I could ask is "Why?"
I maybe wrong, but I thought... I just had to make a peaceful goodbye with the past. I thought I had already. But it was like a little voice in my head asking me "Oh, Ysa are you sure you have?" and another voice will say " I'm sure I have, a long time ago. I'm totally fine now, am I not?"
But it's a question only me and no one else could answer. I did not dare answer that question. Instead, I prayed. For there is nothing else to do but to pray.
***I'm playing music from Itunes as I write this, and the song shifted to 'Into the West' by Annie Lennox from the LOTR OST... haha. Great one Annie, like I really need that right now! LOL...Anyway, moving on...***
As I read on my 2008 journal... the entries got more interesting...
"I had offered devotional prayers since that night, every 10 o'clock at night..."
26 May 2008 (what a coincidence )
"I was so down this day and I hardly ate anything. I haven't been reporting to the office. I didn't eat dinner, instead I went upstairs to my bedroom and my mom followed me. It was an intervention." - My mom did not go to work the next day just to make sure I eat =(
The entries became better though after that horrific day. Who knows what could have happened to me...Gives me chills up to now. I have proven though that after your lowest point, there was just no other way but up! And as a result, I became a happier and ,if possible, a crazier me! LOL.
It was June 2008 and I "Went to Boracay w/ my high school friends"... A couple of other " Girl's night outs" and trips... My life was back on track. Well, pretty much. At least crying nights were over,sort of.
The journal entry that I saw that gave a BIG smile to my face happened exactly 2 months after 18 May.
So it was now 18 July... "I got a call from London," and " lasted for almost 2 hours." And other lines that I would not dare share. HAHA. And my life pretty much changed after that. The hurt that I was feeling was somehow eased, until it did not hurt anymore. LOL
Going back to present time, 18 May 2010... Well, it past 12 so it's technically 19 May.
Now I'm sort of in a similar situation that I was in 2 years ago. And confused as I am right now, with so much going on around me... I think I know exactly what to do. It had worked for me before and I have no doubts it will work again =)
***
P.S. To anyone who will be so unfortunate to read this, I hope you'll be able to reflect somehow. I know girls would have had pretty similar cases of bad experience such as mine. Feel free to comment. Good day to you all!
